Well, the new chess season has started in earnest. The club has now played four matches – we have won two and lost two. Unfortunately, the two that we’ve lost have both been lost by the second team, with the firsts and thirds performing sterling work to keep the Kirby Castlers ship afloat. We should particularly highlight Jim Kellock’s win for the thirds here, since he’s been due a big win for a long time, and finally came good against a player graded nearly twice as high.

As far as I can see, the problem with the second team is the lack of charismatic – even competent – leadership. The bumbling captain regularly turns up to games with no team sheet, no game-plan, and it would seem only a rudimentary knowledge of the moves. Please, if you care about Kirby Castlers at all, I invite you to write in and demand a change of second team captain right away. If the peoples of Egypt, Libya, Syria etc. can rise up against their hated overlords, then surely a Kirby Spring can be organised to topple this hapless fool.

Well, we won the Birstall Cup. And I shall draw a discreet veil over the ensuing celebrations, except to say that three nights later Pete woke up in a cantina just over the Mexican border, in the company of a broken-down donkey and a barrel of mescaline, wearing only the meat suit created by Lady Gaga for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

They say that nothing succeeds like success. But they’re wrong. Because success is currently tied for first place with Kirby Castlers, who managed to progress last Thursday into the final of the Birstall Cup. The final is to be played on the 30th of August at Wembley Stadium, or Kirby Bowls club, whichever proves more convenient.

They also say that success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan. If so, then the twin fathers of the Kirby Castlers’ win are the unfortunate chap from Market Harborough who couldn’t make the game - which gifted us an initial point - and Pete, who magnificently forced a draw to put us in an unassailable lead. Of course, the more conservative readers may balk here at the prospect of a child having two fathers, even when the child is merely an abstract noun, but these are days when liberal social attitudes hold sway in the land and I for one am not perturbed by the prospect. I only hope that if a separation does occur, then Pete retains full custody of the child.

Following Pete’s forced draw both Jim and I agreed draws with our respective opponents, who wished to return swiftly to their dens to lick their wounds, and the night drew to an agreeable close.

Two weeks ago we had our second AGM, at which the future plans for the club were, like a fine piece of steak, disected, masticated, tasted, and eventually swallowed. The plans are now sitting in the collective gut of the club members, providing sustenance for the year ahead, and it's probably time to stop with this metaphor.

The main decision made at the AGM was to try to run three teams next year, hopefully one each in divisions 3, 4 and 5. With Paul continuing to lead the firsts, and Jim reluctantly agreeing to lead the thirds, there was a lot of argument about who should be captain of the second team. Impassioned speeches were made on the subject, chests were thumped, heartfelt pleas advanced for consideration.... but eventually I lost the argument and was made captain.

Paul retained his librarian post.

Last Thursday the second team (as was) played in the first round of the Birstall cup. We'd qualified for this by losing the first round of the Chapman cup, where we'd played a team of very highly ranked Latimer players and got beat across the board (I was actually a bit surprised that we lost to Latimer, since if Hollywood has taught me anything it's that a rag-tag team of confused nobodies always triumphs over the proper players. Hollywood lies.) Since Jim K couldn't make it on the night, Jim C took over at board one and narrowly lost to the Braunstone 2 star player. With losses also for Les and Paul, it was a bit of a surprise to everyone when I managed to get a victory on time over my opponent.

So at the end of the night we lost 1-3 to Braunstone 2... except that we didn't, because due to the extreme points difference between the teams, we were given an initial 2.5 points. So we ended up winning 3.5-3, and now progress to the next round! Maybe Hollywood doesn't lie all the time after all. Now if we only persuade our charismatic leader Paul to keel over then make a dramatic entrance on crutches in the final round, we might just stand a chance.

I have not posted for some while now, and for the disappointment and worry that this must have caused my hoard of internet followers, my sincerest apologies. These apparently effortless remarks actually take a great deal of time and planning to pull off, you know - a close attention to the poetical subtleties and nuances of the language, a painstaking construction of an affable but edgy Weltenshauung, that kind of thing. It's not just the sort of thing you can knock off before going to bed of an evening, oh no.

Anyway, the main chess season has now ended and we're into our fallow period (which is actually filled by various intra-club competitions, punctuated on occasion by the odd inter-club cup match). The firsts did jolly well in their league campaign, ending up promoted from division four. The seond team also did jolly well, given their lesser ambition, ending up a very creditable not-last in division five.

Excitingly, we seem to have recently attracted an influx of new players into the club, some of whom are very nearly as good as me (better, indeed, if you restrict the comparison to chess talent alone rather than including verbosity and juggling skills). Which means that next league season we might be running three teams. Heady days indeed.

I shall try to keep this more up-to-date.

The first team has been going from strength to strength recently, and the heady heights (or maybe the stomachy middles) of the third division are now beckoning in earnest.

Last Thursday night was particularly good. First of all Paul neatly sidestepped all of the boring middle- and end-game nonsense by agreeing a draw shortly after shaking hands. Then Eddie tried to demonstrate to his opponent that a King and a Rook can mate a King and a Knight when the latter two are together. Three thousand moves later he reluctantly agreed a draw. Ray, having stolen a pawn early in the game, pressed this advantage in his relentless Rayish way all the way to the end to take a good victory. And then it was all down to Jim.

By the end of the game both Jim and his opponent were down to minutes on the clock, and had delegated the task of writing down the moves to scribes who could barely keep up with the flurry of moves. In the end it was Jim who took the victory: in part due to possession of the superior chess brain, in part because he was somewhat better at remembering to hit the clock after his moves. Jim's victory dance - some kind of Maori haka performed on the table - was perhaps a little over the top, but forgiveable given the tension of the ending.

But the firsts, who really cares about the firsts? The second team is where the true human drama is to be found. And on Tuesday night thise drama was played out to a most satisfactory denouement.

The night began with new boy Shaun getting off to a good start due to his recent purchase of Openings For Dummies. Sadly it went downhill for him from there, so purchases of Middle Games and End Games for Dummies are probably in order. Peter executed a fantastic and quick victory, which left things down to late stand-in Arthur and myself. When I managed to squander the two pawn advantage that I'd worked for, by sending them off on ill-advised suicide missions, the game reduced to a draw. This then left Arthur to bring home the two points, which he did when time pressure caused his opponent to explode. Figuratively, anyway. And then we all went home for supper.

There's not a lot to report, really. While a few games have been played, quite a lot of other have got cancelled due to weather or disinclination or gloom of night. We seem to have lost the tempo to life, which after our gleeful opening sallies last year has bogged us down with some negative play. Hopefully we'll be able to engage on some interesting lines in the coming weeks.

In terms of club nights, we have been playing a 'handicap' tournament, in which players with relatively higher rankings start with fewer pieces, according to an arcane formula. This has been quite interesting - however, since a number of us newcomers started off on artifically low rankings, and the tournament rules require us to use the start-of-season rankings, some of us have been given rather too great an advantage.

Oh, and a big thank-you to Jim Cowley for talking us all through his last game at the last club night. This kind of learning experience is invaluable for us relative newbies.

First off, a big hello to our migratory member John Walker! John flies south for the winter, but likes to keep up-to-date with all the affairs of the chess club, so I have finally stirred myself to update the second team news. The first team played yesterday but as yet I have heard nothing official about it (a quick perusal of the Leicestershire and Rutland Chess Association suggests that this is because they got hammered, but as I said, I've heard nothing).

On the 5th of January the second team hosted Braunstone 5ths. Your friendly neighbourhood webmaster - who sometimes likes to talk about himself in the third person - was taken aback to see that his opponent was his lone nemesis from the away leg. But El Webmasterino - whose choice of pseudonyms shows clearly that he is one sad individual - bravely kept moving the pieces and when he was gifted a knight, for no apparent reason, accepted it with a glad heart, and eventually took the win. Unfortunately his colleagues weren't in receipt of such largesse, and we ended up going down 3-1.

And then on the 17th January we travelled, on a bitterly cold night, to Syston, to take on Syston 3. This time your webmaster was gifted two pieces in quick succession and accepted them with no hint of shame to record a win. Wins then followed for Scott - and the important thing about that is that a win's a win, even if your opponent is playing past his bedtime - and, after a mammoth session, for Pete.

Jim, sadly, got lured into the dark seductive embrace of the wrong pawn and couldn't complete the whitewash. But still, a second win for the second team was enough for us to all do a conga back to our respective homes.

A bit of a roundup is in order, since I've been concentrating on Christmas presents recently and haven't done my weekly duties.

Well, it turned out that the second team game on the 30th of November was a bit of a disaster, probably due to the absence of their charismatic board two anchor. Ahem.

But then the first team game on 8th December consolidated our status as division four champions. Much rejoicing.

And then came the second team match on the 15th December, a real bottom-of-the-table scrap against Heathcote Arms 3. The match started oddly, in that the opposition turned up with six players, presumably trying to overwhelm us by sheer numbers. Sadly for them, this meant that we were able to conscript club champion Jim 'Gambit' Cowley on board one.

The match then continued oddly, with almost all of the Kirby Castlers falling behind immediately. Now, there are a number of well-known opening priciples: don't move the same piece twice; don't bring out the queen too early; etc. But the one that we somehow overlooked was this: don't start like a small child who has never seen a chess board before.

But then, somehow, Lazarus-style, like a phoenix from the flames, that may be too many similes, we came back to win 5-1. Amazing stuff. Jim Kellog was so excited by the end that he declared he was going to strip naked and dance a dance of rejoicing. At which point we all left.

Except Ray.

A belated congratulations to the first team for getting another win, this time at home against Wigston 5. We are now at the top of the table with two points and a game in hand against our nearest rivals.

The first team travelled away to Ray's old club to play Wigston 5th team. Wigston had requested a fifth board to blood one of their newcomers, so Webmaster Ewan came along to play the same role.

Jim and Paul rapidly achieved drawn games, and gentleman-chestler Ray agreed a draw despite his opponent's clock teetering on the edge of time. This left John to confirm the victory, and he seemed well ahead after employing the 'apple gambit' (loudly and insouciantly crunching an apple at important moments). But then a slight miscalculation and it was checkmate out of the blue to his opponent.

Luckily, often-hapless novice Ewan had somehow managed to save the day by beating his neophyte counterpart, thus salvaging a draw for the unlucky firsts and keeping them pinned to the top of the table. Hooray!